


Crossroads

by nathaniel_hp



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-30
Updated: 2011-09-30
Packaged: 2017-11-11 20:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/482489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nathaniel_hp/pseuds/nathaniel_hp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.” (Walter Anderson)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crossroads

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2011 rs_games. Prompt:  
>  _… we are the crossroads, my little outlaw,  
>  and this is the map of my heart, the landscape  
> after cruelty which is, of course, a garden, which is  
> a tenderness, which is a room, a lover saying_ Hold me  
> tight, it's getting cold.  
> ~ excerpt from _Snow and Dirty Rain_ by Richard Siken
> 
> Thank you to my beta marchenland for helping me out at such short notice, and to truebornstark and izzybeth for the final once-overs! This story would have been much worse without you!

  
**Crossroads**   


 

"It had to be in the last pile," Arthur sighed.

"You found it?" Remus looked up from the parchment in front of him.

"I have. He's – "Arthur's index finger quickly travelled "- he's leaving everything to Harry. Here, have a look."

 _Of course he would,_ Remus thought, unable to suppress the disappointment. It would have been very much like Sirius to criticise Ministry practice by bequeathing, if not all, then at least some of his possessions to a werewolf. Not that they'd have given them to him, oh no!, but Remus realised that he had been expecting an acknowledgement of their … involvement. Something, anything. And yet, there was nothing. Remus suddenly found it very hard to breathe in the hot and stuffy kitchen, even though it had been he who had lit the fires not ten minutes ago.

"Excuse me for a moment, Arthur," he said quietly as he pushed his chair back. He made his way up the stairs and out into the small, overgrown backyard. The bench was hidden from view behind a couple of gnarled old trees and shrubs. Their spot. Unchanged, welcoming him. The memories came unbidden: Sirius's head resting in his lap, the black hair streaked with grey now, Sirius's arm around his shoulder as he pointed up at the small bit of starry sky that was visible through the surrounding trees and walls, Sirius ... Sirius ... Sirius.

Remus remembered thinking how life had been so unkind to them as he looked at Sirius who, although much healthier-looking now, still bore the marks of his imprisonment in Azkaban – looking not entirely unlike Remus himself. They made a good couple, two men scarred by life, each of them bitter, angry and disappointed in their own way. And yet, Remus didn't remember being this happy, truly happy, in a long time. Remus was content; for the first time in years, he didn't feel alone. He was no fool, and he knew that difficult times lay ahead, but now there was hope. It almost felt like the last time when they'd been younger, reckless, drunk on the excitement and adventure. Only this time, they'd do it right, they wouldn't let the atmosphere poison them … this – what they had.

Remus focussed back on the present, on the empty bench, so innocently inviting in the faint sunlight. He sat down, acutely aware of the emptiness beside him. _So Harry inherits everything,_ he thought. He was sure that Lily and James had left Harry a small fortune; he'd now have even more. Remus wasn't interested in other people's wealth. And yet, this inheritance vexed him more than he liked to admit. He couldn't even say what he had expected, only that it hadn't been this. _Harry gets everything, I get nothing._ The thought made Remus angry, even as he felt ashamed of his grudge. Harry had never asked for any of this, had never had a choice. Unlike him.

When Remus arrived back in the kitchen, Arthur was just finishing packing the document into a large cardboard box. He cast a shrinking spell, then turned and smiled at Remus. "Better?" he asked, fatherly.

"I'm sorry I left you to pack up by yourself," Remus replied evasively. "Are we ready to leave?" He checked the clock on the wall. "I really should get back to the pack. They'll surely be asking uncomfortable questions if I stay away for much longer."

"I was hoping you'd join Molly and myself for dinner."

"As tempting as that is, Arthur, I really shouldn't. I don't want the werewolves to get suspicious."

"I understand. You know you're always welcome at the Burrow, don't you?"

"I – thank you, Arthur, I appreciate it. Give Molly my regards."

Arthur gave his shoulder a squeeze and with a "Take care of yourself" he turned and Apparated home.

Remus didn't go straight back to the pack but let himself back into Grimmauld Place. He didn't have anyone with whom he could share his grief except for a ghost of a friend and the memories they shared.

~~*~~

Remus found an empty compartment on the Hogwarts Express and sat down by the window. He looked out, but his mother was gone. The platform was bustling with excitement and farewells. Remus had never felt so alone in his life.

He wished Michael could have come with him. He and Michael had been looking forward to finally joining Senior School; both of them would have been Caffinites, their Head of House had told them so. Michael had said that Durham School would be rotten without him, but Remus was certain it couldn't as bad as Hogwarts. What if no one liked him at Hogwarts? Remus had pleaded with his parents not to send him away, but his father had insisted that his son needed a sound magical education. He still heard his voice in his head: _Professor Dumbledore made us a very generous offer. Hogwarts School does not usually cater to – The headmaster is going out of his way to allow you to be properly educated. You are going, and that's the end of this discussion._ Remus had cried himself to sleep that night.

The door banged open, and Remus was rudely shaken from his miserable thoughts. He hastily wiped his eyes and turned to look at the newcomers.

"Oh sorry. Thought the compartment was empty. Mind if we sit with you?" a black-haired boy asked.

"No, I don't mind," Remus answered nervously.

"You're a first-year as well, yes?" the boy's friend wanted to know as he sat down in the seat across from Remus. Remus nodded.

"Cool. I'm Peter, this is Sirius." He pointed to the other boy.

"Remus. Remus Lupin."

"Pleasure." Peter smiled.

The boy named Sirius looked at him with a slight frown. "Lupin?" he asked. "Not a pure-blood then?"

"My dad's a wizard, why?"

"Don't mind him. He's obsessed with family trees. Ouch!" Sirius gave him a punch on the arm. "I'm not obsessed; I'm just making conversation, Pete." He grinned.

"So you guys know each other?" Remus asked.

"Yeah, we've been friends for years, haven't we, Pete?"

"For as long as I can remember," Peter confirmed.

Remus thought of Michael. He wondered if he was the only one who didn't know any other wizarding children.

The door slid open again and a head of messy black hair poked in. "'lo. Mind if I sit with you? Everywhere else is full."

"Be our guest." Sirius gestured to the seat across from him.

"Thanks. I'm James by the way. James Potter."

"Potter, ey?" Sirius looked impressed.

"See, obsessed with pureblood families, I told you so," Peter whispered as he leant over towards Remus, which earned him another punch on the arm.

Before long, Remus had forgotten that he didn't want to go to Hogwarts. He was enjoying the train ride with his new friends – he hoped they'd become friends – too much to think about home. Perhaps Hogwarts would be fun after all.

"What's that on your arm, Remus?"

"Huh?" Remus followed James's gaze realising that his shirt had slid up his arm. He hastily tucked it down, mumbling, "Nothing. It's nothing."

"Oh, come on, that looked like a wicked scar. Here, I'll show you mine first!" Sirius rolled up his trouser leg to reveal a raggedy white half circle on his calf. "Shark," he explained sombrely, "I was lucky to get away."

"Really?" Remus gaped at Sirius's leg.

Sirius nodded gravely, but Remus could see the corners of his mouth twitching.

"You're taking the piss!" James stated.

Sirius started laughing, and the others joined in. Sirius refused to tell them how he really got his scar and after while they stopped pestering him

They were approaching Hogsmeade station and on the way out, Peter quietly said to Remus, "It was a bike accident, Sirius's scar, but don't tell him I told you."

"I won't," Remus promised, and together they followed James and Sirius out onto the platform.

~~*~~

"I just have to quickly pass by the hospital wing. I'll meet you at dinner."

"Again? You were there only yesterday! What's wrong?" James frowned.

"You're not contagious or anything, are you?" Sirius took step back.

"Of course not," Remus replied hastily. "I just need Madam Pomfrey to – It's nothing.”

“No need to be embarrassed, Remus. What is it?” Peter asked in honest concern.

Remus blushed furiously and stuttered, “I – nothing – just …” He took a deep breath. “It's just a skin issue. She just needs to apply a salve, is all.”

“But we can do that!” Sirius suggested. “Remember when James had that ugly rash after the potion spill. Surely yours can't be worse! No need to go to see the nurse every day, is there?”

“I'd rather -”

“Don't be daft, Remus, we're your friends,” Sirius cut in impatiently.

 _You are now, but what will happen when you find out,_ Remus thought. Why hadn't he found another excuse rather than having to come up with explanations now. He sighed.

“Look, she needs to make it every day anyway, so it's no hassle. I have to go now.” He turned and sped up the corridor before his friends could object. He heard Sirius grumble, “What's his problem?” and James's reply: "Well, if he won't tell us, we'll have to find out ourselves, won't we?" Remus prayed that they would forget.

But they didn't. It took another three months, but one evening, about a week after the full moon, his three friends cornered him in the common room.

"Why didn't you tell us, Remus?" James asked, unfolding a piece of parchment that was covered with dates and - to Remus's horror – moon phases.

"Tell you what?"

"Are you going to tell us it's a coincidence that your visits home always fall together with the full moon? And that you always end up having to go to the hospital wing after?"

"Please, you have to understand. I can't -"

"Is everything okay at home?" Peter asked quietly. "They don't – I mean, they're not hurting you, are they?"

"What?" It took a moment for Remus to understand what Peter was implying. "No, no, it's not like that. I just – I can't tell you."

"Can't, can you? Well, let me put it this way," Sirius interrupted him, "we'll go see Dumbledore if you don't tell us."

Remus blanched. Professor Dumbledore had been very accommodating in allowing him to come to Hogwarts, but he had also made clear that his condition wasn't to become common knowledge at school, for Remus's own protection.

"We're your friends, Remus. You can tell us. Please," Sirius urged.

Remus looked around the common room. It was still early in the evening and the room was crowded, though no one paid the group of first-years any mind. He rubbed his hands over his face. If he refused to talk to them, they'd go to Dumbledore. Why shouldn't he let Dumbledore take care of the problem for him? It wasn't as if he'd done anything wrong. Looking at his friends' faces, though, it felt like a cheap way to repay them. He knew they were concerned about him. He would be too if one of them ended up in the hospital wing every month. And if he was honest, he hated having to lie to them. Not to mention that it was becoming increasingly hard to come up with good excuses. But what would happen when they knew? Would they still want to be friends with him – who wanted to be friends with anyone who turned into a savage beast once a month? But they knew him now, didn't they? They knew he wasn't dangerous, not all the time. Would they understand? Peter – kind and friendly – might tell him that it didn't change a thing. James … James had already figured it out, Remus thought, remembering the moon chart on the parchment. And Sirius, attracted by all things dangerous and wicked, would probably be excited about the fact that he was friends with a werewolf. Looking back into the expectant faces of his three friends, Remus decided there and then that he might as well find out if they liked the whole of him just as well as they liked him now. If not, well, perhaps they weren't such great friends after all.

"You have to promise not to tell anyone," Remus finally said.

"We won't." "Promise." "You can trust us, Remus." came the instant replies.

"Not here, though. Let's go up to the dormitory," James suggested, for which Remus was grateful.

He looked at his friends once they were seated on Sirius's bed, his determination rapidly dwindling.

"I … well, I don't go to visit my parents once a month."

"Okay, so where do you disappear to?"

"The – I – "Remus took a deep breath, release it again. _How do you tell your best friends that you are a werewolf?_ He couldn't. "I'm sorry. I can't." He got up and made for the door.

"Remus, you're a werewolf, aren't you?" Sirius asked.

~~*~~

Remus opened his eyes a fraction. _Hospital wing. Sometime in the afternoon. But which day – Saturday or Sunday?_ Remus usually slept until noon, at least, after a full moon. Sometimes he remembered being taken up to the hospital by Madam Pomfrey, and sometimes he didn't. Remus closed his eyes again and lay still, feeling for pains. His head hurt and his body felt like he'd been trampled by a herd of centaurs. So it had been a bad moon.

"You will have to be a bit careful with your arm for the next couple of days, Mr Lupin." Madam Pomfrey arrived with a tray that was laden with salves and bandages and a steaming goblet that gave off a suspicious smell.

"Okay," Remus murmured dejectedly. The school nurse was always kind to him and treated his wounds with quiet professionalism, but Remus couldn't help but feel bad for being such a hassle each month.

"Remus." He looked up when he heard her call him by his first name. "None of this is your fault. Don't forget that, dear." She smoothed a stray strand of hair out of his eyes and smiled down at him. Remus returned the smile half-heartedly.

"Right then," Madam Pomfrey said as she busied herself with her tray, "you'll have to drink this potion every morning for at least a week. It's an anti-inflammatory, and I've added a light pain killer." She handed the steaming goblet to Remus. "Best take it in one go."

Remus wrinkled his nose as the steam hit his nostrils. He swallowed, then quickly lifted the goblet and downed the potion with one big gulp. As it burned its way down Remus's throat, and he coughed and sputtered, trying to catch his breath.

"Ugh, that's the foulest potion I've ever had in my life!" Remus exclaimed with conviction.

"I'm sure you'll manage for a week, Mr Lupin. I'll have the house-elves deliver a goblet to your dormitory every morning. Now, let's see that arm." Remus held out his arm and winced as Madam Pomfrey examined the festering wound. "I have a salve that will draw out the infection and ease the pain. Unfortunately, I can't use the usual remedies on your wounds, as you know. It shouldn't take longer than a week, though, to heal. I can't prevent the scarring, I'm afraid." Madam Pomfrey continued to talk as she dressed up the wound. Remus let the sound wash over him without listening. "All right, Mr Lupin, you can go. Don't overexert yourself and make sure you drink your potion. I will know if you don't!" Remus nodded and slid down off the bed.

"Don't forget to come back tomorrow so I can change the bandages, Mr Lupin!"

"I won't, Madam Pomfrey," he said and walked out as fast as he dared before she could think of other foul things to give to him.

"Look who's back." Peter smiled as Remus carefully lowered himself into an armchair in the common room.

"All right there, Moony?" James asked.

"I'll live."

"There's no way to get rid of you, is there?" Sirius joked.

Remus grinned. "Why, do you want to?"

"Nah, I might as well shoot myself in the foot. Who'd finish my essays if you weren't there anymore?"

Remus hadn't been far off when he'd imagined his friends' reactions when they found out he was a werewolf. If anything, they had now grown even closer and there was hardly a minute when the four of them weren't together.

The next day, as Remus awkwardly fumbled with the straps of his book bag, Sirius simply snatched it out of his hands and Peter picked up the extra books on his bed. James was already standing by the door, holding it open for them to pass through.

Remus suddenly remembered how lost and alone he had felt when he first boarded the Hogwarts Express. He felt a wave of happiness wash through him. He caught up with Sirius who was walking in front of him and, with his good arm, linked arms with him. Sirius looked at him questioningly. Remus simply replied with a huge grin.

"What, can't even walk on your own now?" Sirius laughed.

"Can, but don't want to," Remus replied in a whisper, leaning close so that only Sirius could hear.

~~*~~

Remus lay on the bed, naked and shivering under the old blanket. The moments just before it started were the worst. He lay there anticipating the pain, dreading the loss of consciousness, hoping that things would be different this time, that it wouldn't hurt so much, that he would remember …

A sharp pain seized his lower back and he groaned, curling up in a tight ball to stretch out his protesting muscles, his hands fisting the grubby sheets. A warm hand started rubbing soothing circles on his back, and Remus wanted nothing more than to give himself over to the comfort, lean into the touch, but already his vision was blurring and he knew that he had to send his friend away.

"You have to leave, Sirius!" Remus urged. The hand stubbornly continued soothing his back. "Please. You know you can't stay."

"Do you know how much I hate having to leave you?"

"Do _you_ know how much I'd hate myself if something happened to you?" His friends had never seen his werewolf self, and he had only reluctantly agreed to let Sirius come to him in the Shrieking Shack before moon rise.

"Touché." Sirius chuckled. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Yes.Now go!"

The hand withdrew and Sirius's retreating steps grew fainter and fainter. Hugging himself under his blanket, Remus steeled himself for the inevitable. He made sure to take deep, calming breaths. Before long, however, they turned into sobs as Remus's body bent and shifted, his muscles protested. Remus screamed in agony, the scream rising to a howl. And he knew no more.

***

The first thing he registered was the scent: clean with faint traces of herbs and potions. As his eyes fluttered open, he looked into the excited face of James Potter.

"He's awake, guys!"

Peter and Sirius moved into his field of vision, similar looks of excitement on their faces.

"Well, I'm sure glad you're so chuffed to see me," Remus mumbled groggily.

"We are." James grinned. "And we have news," Peter added.

Remus frowned.

"We'll be able to join you next month!" Sirius whispered excitedly.

"What? No, you can't! Don't you realise -" Remus tried to sit up, but at the sharp pain in his back he fell back into his cushions with a stifled cry.

"Relax. We'll tell you – no, we'll show you later."

"Show me what?"

"Mr Black, what have I told you about pestering my patients. Out! The lot of you!" Madam Pomfrey shrieked.

His friends jumped up. Before they left, Sirius bent down and whispered, "Animagi, Remus. We've done it."

***

Remus lay on the old bed in the Shrieking Shack as usual. The shack was as draughty as always and the cold dog's snout on his arm didn't help. Remus braced himself for the pain. He was still scared of losing himself to the wolf, but having Padfoot there calmed him. Just before the transformation, the wolf was already present in his mind, and Remus felt his happiness and excitement: the wolf was looking forward to spending the night in the Forbidden Forest with Padfoot and the others. Prongs and Wormtail were waiting outside at the edge of the forest.

“It's nearly time, Padfoot,” Remus whispered. The dog licked his hand affectionately. “I'm scared ...” Remus put his arms around the dog's neck, burrowing his face in the thick black fur, inhaling the familiar scent. He was scared, but he wasn't alone.

~~*~~

"Sirius! What – why are you awake?" Remus hastily slipped into his dressing gown, wondering how long Sirius had been standing in the doorway.

"No need to be so modest, Moony. If your wolf cock is anything to judge by, I'm surprised that you aren't parading around naked to make us all jealous." He grinned, and Remus felt his face heat up; his thoughts were racing. He'd left his clothes in the dormitory, thinking that there would be enough time to get dressed before the others woke. _Stupid,_ he chided himself.

"I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to see me naked," Remus replied awkwardly. The others had made fun of him for getting dressed in the toilets when they first arrived at Hogwarts. After they'd found out he was a werewolf, the teasing had stopped. Remus had to admit that it seemed a little silly to continue to hide from them, now that they'd managed the Animagus spell and had no doubt caught at least a glimpse of his naked body during transformations. Still, it was different for them to see when he was himself.

"Are you now? Remus, honestly! We've known you're a werewolf since first year. We've seen you return from the hospital wing all covered in bandages a hundred times. James did the research when you told us and he said that werewolf scratches and bites are similar to curse wounds, so they would be harder to heal. And what's a couple of scars, ey? Besides, Pete's seen them."

"Well, there are more than a couple. And they're … well, unsightly. Ask Peter."

"Pete? He's squeamish with that sort of stuff, always has been. Do you honestly think we'd – _I'd_ like you any less just because the scars?"

 _Easy for you to say,_ Remus thought. He wanted to believe that nothing would change. He was hoping it'd be so, but experience had taught him that words well-meant and said in honesty quickly gave way to shock and pity once people saw pattern of scars on Remus's back and upper arms, on his thighs. James had been thorough in his research: no matter how old, the scars still stood out – angry red and hideous. No one could pretend that they were nothing and could be overlooked. Peter had been kind and understanding when he had chanced upon him in the hospital wing as Madam Pomfrey changed his dressings. Remus had pretended he didn't see Peter's eyes widen in shock, and he had tried to ignore the ensuing awkwardness. He had always imagined that being able to stop hiding from his friends would be a relief. Now, he wasn't sure whether the looks Peter gave him from time to time were a product of his paranoid imagination or not.

Remus felt Sirius's eyes on him as he fidgeted with the belt of his dressing gown. He thought of Padfoot as he snuggled against him in the Shrieking Shack. There was a flicker of a memory of a rough tongue carefully licking along the scratches on his back. Then, his hands were acting on their own accord, opening the dressing gown and letting it fall to the floor.

He couldn't meet Sirius's eyes as he mumbled, "They're ugly though…"

He stood there waiting, not daring to look up. He heard Sirius's footsteps, felt tentative hands on his arms. Remus stood stock-still as Sirius walked around him, his hands never leaving his body. Sirius's fingers were tracing a slow pattern on his back, and Remus felt himself relax into the touch, only to jerk away a second later.

"Does that hurt?"

"Tickled. So? As bad as you imagined?" He swallowed nervously, turning toward Sirius.

"I think you're a great guy and you're brave and have the marks to prove it," was Sirius's final and uncommonly serious verdict. "And I wasn't wrong about the cock either!" he added with an appreciative glance.

"You're impossible, Sirius Black!" Remus picked up his dressing gown to cover his modesty.

"Quite." Sirius nodded. "You better get dressed. It's almost time for breakfast," Sirius continued as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

Sirius had already turned to leave when Remus called out, "Hey, Sirius?" Sirius looked over his shoulder. "Thank you," Remus added.

Throughout the day, he would smile when he remembered Sirius's cautious hands on his body and his face would heat in excited embarrassment when he thought of the look that had followed. Or had he imagined that?

That morning had been a turning point, no doubt about it. If anyone had ever asked Remus when and how he fell in love with Sirius, he would have told them about the morning in the bathroom.

~~*~~

"We have to go, we just have to!" Sirius urged.

"But how? We can't just leave Hogwarts!" Peter reminded him.

"Can't we? Wouldn't be the first time," James reminded him.

"How will we get to Brighton, though?" Peter insisted.

"I can Apparate, and Sirius isn't too bad either" – James rubbed his arm when Sirius elbowed him indignantly – "so we could side-along you and Remus."

"We'll be in so much trouble if they catch us. Out of bed at night, leaving school without permission, Apparating without licence. I could go on," Peter argued.

Remus had been following the discussion with interest. He wanted to go, but he was also a prefect. "I am sure there'll be another concert in summer. We can all go during the holidays," was his suggestion.

"I will not miss this concert. It's the Clash!" Remus registered the desperation in Sirius's tone. Sirius knew they wouldn't go if he didn't agree. And Remus knew how desperately Sirius wanted to go. He had been talking about nothing else for weeks.

"I really think we can pull this off," James argued. "We know we can get out of Hogwarts to Hogsmeade no worries, we've done so loads of times. If we practise Side-Along Apparition with the two of you, we should be golden. And who's to find out? No one expects us to Apparate to the other end of the country. There's a bigger chance of us getting caught in Hogsmeade than in Brighton. I really think we can do this."

"Remus?"

James and Sirius looked at him expectantly.

"Well, it's the Clash. Of course, we're going," Remus said matter-of-factly, and that settled the argument.

***

Remus lost his footing when they touched solid ground again, stumbling into Sirius, who grabbed his shoulders, said, "Got you," and grinned. Remus grinned back and was about to step back to check if James and Peter had already arrived, when Sirius pulled him close.

Before Remus knew it, Sirius had pressed his lips to his mouth, pulling him closer still. Remus froze, acutely aware of Sirius's body heat and the chapped lips against his own.

 _Oh shit,_ he thought. Remus had dreamt of this, a million times. Now that it was actually happening, he wasn't kissing back enthusiastically as he had imagined. He froze. He was overwhelmed by a surge of panic. What if he did this wrong? What if Sirius hated it? What if he hated it? What if –

He pulled back and cleared his throat.

"Where - where are we anyway? This isn't Brighton, is it?"

Sirius looked around. "Um, no. My aim must have been off. No worries, though, I usually get it right on the second try."

"Let's go then."

"Remus?"

"Yeah?"

"About just now. I didn't mean to, I mean, I did, but – I'm sorry."

"Don't. Be sorry, I mean. I just – I didn't want to keep the others waiting."

"Right." Remus knew that Sirius didn't buy his excuse but this was not the time for discussion.

Without warning, Sirius turned on the spot and Remus felt like he was squeezed through time and space. Just when he thought he was going to vomit, they came to another stumbling halt.

"There you are!" Peter cried. "What took you so long? We thought you Splinched yourselves!"

***

"Fuck, that was _brilliant!_ " Peter shouted as they left the university campus to find a secluded spot to Dis-Apparate.

All four of them were sweaty, hair sticking up in Potter fashion. They grinned at each other, exhausted and exhilarated. James ran ahead, jumping around with his arms flailing, shouting a tune that vaguely resembled "White Riot".

"What a tosser." Sirius shook his head.

"You looked just like that about ten minutes ago," Peter remarked dryly.

"I did not! Remus, tell him I didn't!"

"Well, I don't know -" Remus started.

"Oi, get over here! I found a good spot!" James shouted back at them.

"Brilliant, James. Why don't you let the rest of Brighton know as well?" Remus called back.

As they made their way over to James, Peter and Sirius decided to learn how to play the guitar and drums and form their own wizarding punk band. "How brilliant would that be?!" Peter beamed.

"You'll play the bass, Moony," Sirius told him.

"Will James be the lead singer?" he replied, and the three of them started laughing.

"What's so funny?" asked James.

"We're going to form a wizarding punk band, and you're going to be our lead singer," Remus told him, trying to keep a straight face.

"Brilliant!" James said emphatically, which had the others howling with laughter.

"All right, all right," Peter gasped, clutching his sides, "we better head back."

They agreed to Apparate to the Shrieking Shack so they could take the passageway back to the Whomping Willow. With a small pop, James and Peter vanished, Remus and Sirius following immediately.

When they arrived, they were surrounded by trees with neither Peter nor James in sight. "This is not the Shack," Remus noted. "Was your aim off again? Is this even Hogsmeade?"

"Relax. See the train tracks? The Shack is on the other side."

"Oh, okay, great. Let's go."

"Wait," Sirius whispered. There was the hint of uncertainty in the way he looked at Remus.

Remus whispered back, "Okay." His heart was beating fast; he could feel it in his throat.

Sirius close the space between them. Their lips found each other – all what ifs banished from Remus's mind by a tentative movement of Sirius's lips that he answered in kind.

Remus lost himself in the kiss and the hands that were stroking his back, his own hands cautiously travelling down Sirius's back. He touched the bare skin where Sirius's shirt had ridden up, hot and smooth. He was suddenly aware of his own back and Sirius's hands that were slowly sneaking up his t-shirt travelling over the ridges and knots of his broken flesh. Sirius had seen him naked, Sirius had even touched him on occasion, but never like this. Slightly embarrassed, Remus took a hold of Sirius's hands but never broke the kiss.

When they finally walked over to the Shrieking Shack, Peter was in a right state. "You really have to work on your Apparition, mate, where did you end up this time?"

"No idea," Sirius replied, "but it was brilliant!" Remus couldn't keep his lips from spreading in a goofy grin.

Back in their dormitory, after narrowly avoiding Filch on their way up through the entrance hall, James announced, "We really have to do this again some time."

"Absolutely," Sirius agreed. His gaze lingered on Remus, who blushed.

"Well, we're best off to bed," Remus suggested quickly. He pulled the curtains close around his four-poster, waiting for the noise of the others to die down. Once everything was quiet, he carefully eased the curtains open again and tiptoed over to Sirius. As he crawled into bed, he heard a faint "About time!" from behind. When he turned, both Peter and James were looking back at him, identical grins on their faces. "Have fun," James said, "but try not to wake us." With that, both their heads disappeared. Sirius was looking up at him, reaching for his hand to pull him close.

~~*~~

"Come to London with me," Sirius said. They were sitting by the lake, enjoying their last evening at Hogwarts.

"My parents are picking me up to go home tomorrow, you know that."

"That's not what I meant. I mean after. Or do you mean to live with your parents?"

"Well, it's not as if I have much choice, is it?" Remus replied bitterly. "I'm registered with the RCMC now."

"I know, don't get me started on Ministry regulations! I've been thinking though: my flat is in Muggle London. The RCMC doesn't have to know that you're not actually living with your parents."

Remus considered Sirius's suggestion. It would work as long as they didn't draw the Ministry's attention to the flat by using excessive magic, which they couldn't in Muggle London. God knew that he could think of better things to do than going back to live with his parents! It was risky, but so was their membership in the Order of the Phoenix.

Sirius was looking at him expectantly.

"It could work," Remus said hesitantly. "Only-"

"Only what? It'll work. We'll make it work!" Sirius grabbed Remus's shoulders excitedly. "Can you imagine? Our own flat! No more sneaking around the dormitory. No more hiding from James and Peter. It'll be brilliant!"

"It would, only -"

"Moony!" cried Sirius in exasperation. "You're really making an effort to find fault with the plan, aren't you?"

"I'm not. It's just … I don't have any money."

Sirius just laughed. "Don't worry about _that_. I have more than enough for the two of us."

"No." Remus shook his head vehemently. He didn't want to be dependent on anyone, least of all Sirius.

"Okay, fair enough. You can pay me in kind." Sirius raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"And what does that make me: your whore?" Remus asked, pretending to be offended by the suggestion.

"Only if you want to be," Sirius whispered into his ear, then started to kiss his way down Remus's neck.

Three weeks later, Remus nervously stood in front of Sirius's flat, carrying a suitcase with clothes and books.

The door opened. "Welcome home," Sirius said.

~~*~~

Back at Grimmauld Place, Remus smiled. A bitter smile. What was left now of the boy he'd been at Hogwarts?

~~*~~

"Do you ever just want to go, leave all this?"

"What, our flat?" Sirius asked. "I know it's messy, but I quite like it, to be honest."

"So do I. That's not what I meant. I mean, all the" – he made a sweeping gesture with his arm – "shit – the war, everything."

"Only if we go together."

"I've never been to Italy, you know," Remus mused. He snuggled into Sirius' chest and closed his eyes. He felt Sirius' heartbeat against his back, felt it resonate within himself.

"We'll go. When it's over. We'll go anywhere you like and stay as long as we want to. I've still got some of the money from Uncle Alphard -"

"Sirius, I don't want -"

"My money," Sirius finished in an annoyed voice. "You're being an idiot, Moony. Do you think there's anyone I'd rather go on this trip with? And Merlin knows, we'll deserve a holiday after all this shite."

Remus twisted slightly and lightly kissed Sirius' chin. "Speaking of which, I need to go. Dumbledore asked me to – Well." He got up and straightened his cloth.

"Agent Moony is off on another secret mission, is he?" Sirius asked, though there was no venom in his voice.

Remus grinned sheepishly down at Sirius who was still slumped on the floor leaning against the armchair. "I'll send word as soon as I can, I promise."

"And I would be waiting here for you if I didn't have watch duty tonight. Wouldn't mind skiving off though, if I can _Accio_ some beer from the kitchen."

Hesitant to leave, Remus stood a little helplessly in the middle of the sitting room. He cleared his throat. "Well, I'm off, I guess."

"Yes, be off, save the world," Sirius replied lightly.

Remus turned and went to fetch his cloak. He stopped dead in his tracks when he heard Sirius's whispered "Be careful, Moony, please".

~~*~~

Remus stumbled through the door. His heart raced from the overdose of adrenaline, and his stomach gave a lurch when he remembered how the spell had cut Benjy to pieces. Too late, he had been too late. There was nothing he could have done to help; he had known that as soon as he'd seen the spell hit, though he had still pressed one hand down on the deep gash along Ben's midriff, all the while casting healing spells that were no use. Remus wasn't sure if Benjy even knew he was there, that he was trying to help him, or whether he died believing that he hadn't just been attacked but was being tortured as well.

Breathing heavily, Remus slid down the wall in the hall. He felt so cold; he was sure he would not be able to get up again. Instead he lifted his shaking hands and stared at them. Every passing car sent a sliver of light travelling along the hall, illuminating the ghastly red. The darkness that chased the light was a relief for a second or two until Remus realised that darkness or not he could not unsee his blood-stained hands. All that blood, Ben's blood. Benjy Fenwick was dead. Another addition to the ever-growing list of sacrifices.

At some point, this adventure had become less fun. Dumbledore rarely sent him and Sirius on the same missions so they saw less and less of each other. And now, it was turning into a horror trip.

Remus knew that he needed to get word out to Dumbledore, knew that he had to let someone know at least. He had meant to Apparate to the Order safe house, but the thought of Sirius had been so prominent in his mind that he ended up back at home. Foolish. What if they followed him? Traced him? Their flat was a safe heaven, untainted by the war outside. At least it had been until now. Remus couldn't tear his eyes away from his hands, there was so much blood. In his mind's eye, Remus saw Ben's face morph into Sirius's.

He only realised that the sobs were his own because his lungs hurt with every intake of breath. It was morning; the darkness had given way to a faint, grey dawn. Remus groaned as he got up. He stumbled to the bathroom, shedding his clothes on the way, turned on the hot water and climbed into the bathtub. With detached fascination he watched the water turn red, his eyes following the bloody swirls to the drain. Fascination soon turned into disgust, and Remus scrubbed every inch of his skin until the felt raw and the water was turning cold.

He gathered up last night's clothes and attempted to clean the hall, with moderate success. He would have to pick up scouring milk later. Just as he sat down with a cup of tea, Sirius finally turned up.

"Morning, Moony. Everything all right?" Sirius looked tired – he had been on watch duty, Remus remembered – but was otherwise unharmed.

"Nothing," Remus whispered.

"Nothing what?" Sirius asked over his shoulder as he stirred some instant into his cup of hot water.

"Nothing is all right."

"Rough night, ey?"

"You could say that," Remus replied dryly. When Sirius turned around and looked at him questioningly, he added, "Benjy's dead."

"What? Shit! What happened? Where? Are you okay, are you hurt?" Remus tried to answer but his throat felt like sandpaper. He cleared his throat. "We – we – Oh god!" His throat grew tight and he felt tears well up. He blinked angrily and tried to swallow down the lump in his throat, but it was no good.

Sirius fell silent when the first tears spilled down Remus's cheeks and crouched on the floor beside his chair. Through his tears, Remus saw a hand hovering above his legs as if asking for permission to touch.

Remus leaned, no, he fell, towards the blurry figure and was caught, then held by strong, familiar arms, his head buried against Sirius's chest. The fabric of his shirt smelled faintly of sweat and cigarettes. Sirius smelled alive.

~~*~~

Remus inhaled deeply. The smell of damp earth and rotting leaves brought him back to the present. He looked up to see that the stars were now visible from his spot in the Grimmauld Place backyard. Remus shivered and drew his cloak tighter around him. It wasn't just the evening chill though. Before he died, Sirius had said that it felt like last time Voldemort had been on the rise, and it did. Only now, he was living with a wild pack of werewolves. There was no one to come home to. No home ...

~~*~~

"I'm home!" Remus called. He heard a shatter from the kitchen and followed the sound. Dora was picking up the shards of broken glass when he entered.

"Oh hey!" She smiled. "There was a message for you."

"Oh?" Remus was surprised. He'd just got back from an Order meeting and people didn't really send messages any more these days. Too dangerous.

"It's from Harry. Don't know anyone else with such messy handwriting. Well, except for myself." She laughed, then immediately turned sombre again. "Do you think they're in trouble?"

"Seeing that they are still able to send messages, things can't be too bad," Remus reassured her, but he too was dreading the news. A small part of him was also hoping that Harry had changed his mind and wanted him to join them after all. "What if he changed his mind, Dora? What if he asks me to join them?"

"Then you'll go," she answered resolutely. "You know I'm not keen to let you go, but it's Harry who needs you. Now open the letter."

Remus tore open the envelope and read, all the while aware of Tonks's anxious look.

"He wants to meet me. As soon as possible. Says he found something at Grimmauld that I'd be interested in."

"You'll go then?" Tonks asked. Remus could see the tears in her eyes.

"Yes, I'll go, but it's only a meeting, Dora. I'm not going away." _Not yet,_ he added silently.

***

"I found this in Sirius's room," Harry said quietly, pushing a roll of parchment toward Remus.

Remus frowned as he picked up the document. Sirius's writing. Why hadn't they found this when they were looking for his will? Remus and Arthur had turned the place inside out.

"He made sure that I was the one to find it," Harry explained as if he'd read Remus's thoughts. "Look, Remus, I'm sorry. I – I didn't know …"

"Didn't know what?"

"Well, you and Sirius. You were -"

"We were friends, Harry. He was my best friend." Remus smiled sadly.

"Um, well -" Harry fidgeted in his chair "- I found this document. It's a magical contract or something. I – Just have a look, please?"

Remus unrolled the parchment and started to read.

  
_I, Sirius Black, am taking my heir Harry James Potter under magical obligation to provide for my partner Remus John Lupin after my death ..._   


_Partner,_ Remus repeated to himself. He tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. So here it was. The one thing he had so desperately looked for after Sirius's death. _Why now?_ he thought. He had been sure he had moved on, but had he really? The pain hadn't dulled one bit, was still as sharp and vivid as it had been a year ago.

Only when Harry's hand touched his arm did he become aware that his body had started trembling. He hugged himself and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, Harry. This just comes … as a bit of a surprise."

Even a year after his death it seemed that Sirius Black was still able to take him to their place. A place for them to be open and honest and true. This was something they'd had that no one could take away from them. They'd drifted apart, they'd lost each other. But always, always, they'd been able to come back to their place – to the crossroads that bound their lives together.

 


End file.
